My Journey Through Early Menopause: What I Wish I’d Known

I was 38-years-old when I was thrown into menopause. Thanks to radiation treatments for anal cancer, my body was pushed into it suddenly—right at the beginning of the pandemic. Navigating cancer during a global health crisis was one thing, but being catapulted into menopause without any support from my doctors at Kaiser?

… That was a whole other nightmare.

My doctors did NOT warned me about the side effects of early menopause or how much it would mess with my body. I didn’t even know what perimenopause—the period when your body starts to show early signs of menopause, like irregular periods and hot flashes—was, let alone menopause. I had to figure that out on my own, and it took time to connect the dots. It took more time than it should have because I literally went to see a woman doctor at Kaiser to discuss menopause and treatments, and all she wanted to talk about was hot flashes. Never mentioning the LOOOOoooNnngG list of symptoms that are associated with the lack of estrogen in our bodies. I had to learn more about those on my own - from TikTok, which finally gave me the information to take to my doctors to see a doctor who could answer my questions finally.

When Menopause Comes Crashing In

So, here's what I’ve learned: Menopause before 40 is considered "early" or "premature menopause." If you’re like most women, you expect menopause to hit sometime in your 50s, but when it’s induced by cancer treatments like radiation or chemotherapy, it shows up fast, and it’s a different beast altogether. Research shows that going through menopause early can make your body age faster—by as much as nine years compared to women who go through it later.

Now, before menopause, there's perimenopause. Perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause when your hormones start to shift. You might notice irregular periods, hot flashes, mood swings, or trouble sleeping. Your body is basically sending you little hints that menopause is coming. But in my case, there was no “peri” phase; I went straight to the main event. And I didn’t realize how much it would affect my health until it was too late.

What I Went Through

With zero prep and my hormones in freefall—estrogen, testosterone, you name it—my body felt like it was in open revolt. Here’s a closer look at what I went through:

• Fatigue and Brain Fog: For me, this was the biggest and most concerning symptom of menopause. I was genuinely worried that I would never be able to work again or feel like myself. There were moments where I’d be staring at my own hand, and I couldn’t remember the word for it. The word would be right there on the tip of my tongue, but it just wouldn’t come to me. Concentrating on work was almost impossible. At the time, I thought this cognitive decline was due to my cancer treatments. I had no idea that it was actually from a lack of estrogen in my brain due to menopause.

  Since it was during the pandemic, I wasn’t seeing many people, but I spent most of my days asleep, thinking that might be the rest of my life. Thankfully, once I started hormone replacement therapy, I felt better. But I know this will be a lifelong challenge. I have to manage it with healthy habits: exercising, eating well, getting good sleep, and keeping my brain engaged through social activities.

• Bone and Joint Pain:

  The bone and joint pain didn’t hit immediately; it crept in a few years after my treatments. My hips and other joints were constantly achy, a dull discomfort that seemed to settle in. For a while, I found myself avoiding certain activities, like climbing stairs or carrying heavy groceries.

  But over time, I’ve worked myself back into better habits—hiking, daily mobility exercises, and strength training. Still, this is something that’s going to impact me for the rest of my life. I’m working on it now, but it’s not something that just goes away.

• Heart Health Concerns:

  Heart health is a big issue for many people in menopause, but thankfully, it’s not something I’ve experienced yet. I didn’t have symptoms like dizziness, headaches, or palpitations, but I’m definitely concerned moving forward. I’m only 43, but it already feels like I’ve aged ten years from the cancer treatments, pandemic stress, and being thrown into menopause. I worry about what the future holds if I don’t stay proactive.

• Mood Changes and Anxiety:

  For me, it wasn’t really about mood swings; it was more of a constant, heavy feeling—like I was just not excited about anything. It was less about snapping at people or having emotional outbursts, and more about feeling totally drained and uninterested in everything. It was relentless.

  Honestly, it was all-consuming until I found the right doctor. She was the first one to really explain what was happening with my body. Instead of just talking about hot flashes—because, by the way, mine completely stopped once my body adjusted—she helped me understand that hot flashes are like our body’s initial alert system that something is wrong. Once I found the right treatment and got on hormone replacement therapy, things started to improve.

Finally, a Doctor Who Listened

For over a year after my cancer treatments, I was stuck in this fog with no answers. Kaiser didn’t give me any direction on how to handle menopause, much less the symptoms that come with it. I finally found a doctor who listened—really listened—and suggested hormone replacement therapy (HRT). She explained that my body needed hormones it suddenly lost.

One day on estrogen and testosterone, and I felt like I’d just chugged an espresso after a year in a caffeine-free zone. My brain cleared, my mood lifted, and my body didn’t feel like a stranger’s anymore.

Educating Myself and Spreading the Word About Perimenopause & Menopause

Since then, I’ve made it my mission to learn about menopause and to speak up, not just for myself but for other women. Here’s the reality: Most doctors aren’t trained to manage menopause or don’t consider it a priority. If I hadn’t pushed and kept searching, I’d still be wandering around in that fog, exhausted and clueless. But now I am using my platform to speak up about menopause and listening to our bodies.

What You Should Know about Menopause

When it comes to navigating menopause, you quickly learn that what got you here won’t necessarily get you to the next chapter. The old routines—what you ate, how you exercised, or how you dealt with stress—might not cut it anymore. Menopause changes the game, so you need to change with it. Here’s what I’ve learned about adapting and thriving through this quick transition (but for most, its a long, slow transition):

• Learn the Basics: Understand what menopause and perimenopause actually mean. Perimenopause can start years before actual menopause, with symptoms like hot flashes, mood changes, and irregular periods. Talk to your friends—many are going through it, too. Dive into TikTok or Instagram where real women share their stories and practical tips. Write down questions as they come to you and bring them up with your doctor. Knowing what’s happening in your body is the first step to dealing with it. And don’t settle for vague answers.

• Find a Doctor Who Gets It: Not all doctors are up to speed on menopause, and some may dismiss your symptoms or act like you just have to live with them. Newsflash: you don’t. Find a healthcare provider who takes menopause seriously, listens to you, and understands that your experience is real and valid. Sometimes this means switching doctors or even seeking out specialists in women’s health or menopause care. Remember, you're the customer here—don’t be afraid to shop around.

• Look Into Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT): For many women, HRT can be a game-changer, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. If it’s safe for you (i.e., you don’t have a history of breast cancer in your family, etc), HRT can help balance the hormones that are causing chaos in your body. The key is finding a knowledgeable doctor who can personalize the therapy to your needs and monitor your progress closely. HRT is a big decision, so make sure you get all the facts and weigh the benefits and risks carefully.

• Speak Up: Don’t be afraid to talk openly about what you’re going through. Ask questions, demand clear answers, and keep pushing until you get them. Share your experiences with your friends who are in perimenopause or approaching it. It’s incredible how much we learn from each other when we’re honest and open. Many of us are in the same boat, and the healthcare system often leaves us to figure it out alone—so let’s make sure we’re helping each other.

• Healthy Living: Adapting to the New Normal:

  Healthy living looks different in menopause. What used to work might not be enough now. Here are some steps I’ve taken to adjust my lifestyle and feel better:

  • Revamp Your Diet: Your body’s needs change with menopause. Focus on foods rich in calcium and vitamin D to protect your bones, and eat more fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. Cut back on processed foods and sugar, which can trigger hot flashes and weight gain. Staying hydrated is crucial, especially if you’re dealing with hot flashes.

  • Stay Active, but Smart: Regular exercise is non-negotiable. But, if you’re like me and suddenly find that intense workouts leave you feeling wiped out, it’s time to adjust. Aim for a mix of strength training, cardio, and low-impact exercises like yoga or Pilates. These can help with bone density, heart health, and managing mood swings.

  • Prioritize Sleep: Good sleep is harder to come by in menopause, but it’s also more important than ever. Try creating a bedtime routine—no screens an hour before bed, a cool and dark room, and maybe some calming activities like reading or meditation. If sleep problems persist, talk to your doctor about other options.

  • Manage Stress: Menopause can mess with your mood, and high stress only makes it worse. Find what calms you—whether it’s walking, meditation, breathing exercises, or a creative hobby—and make it a part of your daily routine. Stress reduction isn’t just nice to have; it’s a must-have for your overall health.

  • Know Your Numbers: Regularly check your blood pressure, cholesterol, and bone density. Menopause can impact these areas, so keep track and make sure you’re on top of any changes. Don’t wait for a problem to pop up—stay proactive about your health.

Don’t Stay in the Dark When It Comes to Your Body

Now at 43, I’m still dealing with the effects of early menopause, but I’m not in the dark anymore. I’m learning how to take care of myself and trying to help other women avoid the same pitfalls. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we have to advocate for ourselves. Don’t wait for someone else to fight your battles—take charge of your health, because no one knows what you need better than you.

Sources:

• American Heart Association. (2016). Menopause and Heart Disease.

• Maki, P. M., et al. (2019). Menopause and Cognitive Decline: The Role of Estrogen. Journal of Women’s Health.

• U.S. National Library of Medicine. (2018). Early Menopause and Bone Health.

The more we talk about menopause and perimenopause, the less we have to suffer in silence. It’s not just an ending; it’s a change—and with the right support, it doesn’t have to be scary.

Self-Care for Moms is an Act of Protest: 3 Reasons Why Moms Matter

This message is specifically for moms & non-binary parents — Taking care of yourself is a form of protest.

Seriously. Moms (including myself) need to change their mindset about what "self-care" means because taking care of yourself is not a luxury - it's a necessity.

It is important to remember that you are your own person, outside of your family. This can be difficult to do, especially if you have been raised to believe that the nuclear family is the only thing that matters. However, it is crucial to take care of yourself first and foremost. This doesn't mean that you should neglect your loved ones, but rather that you should remember that you matter just as much as they do. When you take care of yourself, it allows you to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, worker, HUMAN, activist, etc.

Taking care of yourself requires effort and intentionality but it is so worth it. When you love and respect yourself enough to prioritize your own happiness, it has a ripple effect on those around you.

When moms prioritize their mental health *WE* are sending a powerful message to ourselves and the world that we matter. That moms & women matter. That makes others believe it as well. And that’s when change can happen.

Self Care for Moms Is Important for Work

With everything moms have going on - work, kids, stress, etc. - it's easy to let our mental health fall by the wayside. As a result, we are overworked and underappreciated.

You may have seen articles saying that moms are burning out at alarming rates. It's because we pulled so much of the mental load of the past two years. And many times, we have put ourselves last.

It's time for a change.

It's no secret that motherhood is one of the most demanding and challenging roles a woman can take on. From the moment we give birth, we are responsible for keeping another human being alive and safe. Often, this means putting our own needs aside to care for our children. While there is nothing wrong with sacrificing for our children, it's important to remember that we cannot pour from an empty cup.

So hear me out.

When we take care of ourselves, we're better able to take care of others. We have more patience, and the ability to prioritize ourselves— like doing the research to find a place to schedule a therapy appointment.

Or working at a job where we feel empowered. Or understanding that we don’t have to stay in toxic relationships because we understand that “we” matter.

Self Care for Moms Gives Us Time & Energy to Protest

Self-care also gives moms more time and energy to focus on protesting and fighting for things we care about, like organizing, helping the community, or researching candidates so they can vote with their values.

So next time you're feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, remember that taking care of yourself is an act of defiance – and one that will benefit everyone in your life. Making time for yourself and your own well-being is an important step in becoming the kind of person who can take care of others.

Self-care doesn't have to be a big production. It can be something as simple as taking 10 minutes out of your day to yourself - no kids, no husband, no work - and just doing whatever you want. Or take a walk around your block, making sure to look up and appreciate the beauty around you. Or read your favorite book with a cup of tea.

It means asking for help, especially during the hard times.

Self-care is not some niche or privileged idea. It's a way of life that everyone should practice, whatever their situation. If you think "I don't have time for self-care" I'd challenge you to reconsider that mindset.

When you are feeling practically overwhelmed, ask your kids to go to their room, put headphones on and just try to breathe for 5 minutes. Come back and address whatever overwhelmed you in the first place.

And sometimes it's bigger, like therapy or a longer-term commitment to something that addresses your specific issues - like finally making that doctor's appointment for yourself to address continuing headaches. Or a therapy appointment to talk about what's overwhelming you.

Yes, having the time & money to take care of yourself is a privilege. And it’s a privilege I want to see more moms & minorities get because we deserve it.

Especially new moms. They are going through a period in their life where they HAVE to focus on a small infant, all while healing from childbirth. This is where it is easy to start the habit of not taking care of yourself.

.. I know I didn’t.

Did you know that Self Care has a history rooted in activism?

1983: African-American writer, feminist, poet and civil-rights activist Audre Lorde (1934-1992) poses for a photograph during her 1983 residency at the Atlantic Center for the Arts in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. (Photo by Robert Alexander)

It’s true.

While the term was coined in the 50s by doctors, it because popular — and political in the 70s - from a black queen woman and the Black Panthers. Read more from this article on Teen Vogue: The Radical History of Self Care.

The popularity of the term was in part due to the political climate of the time. The idea of taking care of oneself, both physically and mentally, was something that was championed by many different groups and individuals. Self-care became a way to take control of one's own life and wellbeing, in a time when many felt like they had little control over their lives.

Self-care has been a political act since the 1970s, when the women's and civil rights movements brought it to the forefront. Through learning the history of self-care, we can see how it has been used as a tool for resistance and liberation.

In the 70s, self-care became politicized as a way for women to resist oppressive forces. The women's movement was focused on liberating women from patriarchal structures that limited their autonomy. One way they did this was by using self-care as a form of resistance. This meant taking care of themselves in ways that society said they shouldn't, like going to the doctor without their husband's permission or getting an abortion. Self-care allowed women to take control of their own bodies and lives, which was a radical act at the time.

The civil rights movement also made self-care political.

Black people were fighting for their right to live with dignity and respect. They demanded self-respect and refused to accept second-class citizenship. Part of this was taking care of themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. This meant things like focusing on education, creating safe spaces for black people to gather, and providing mental health support within communities.

We see a lot of these same issues coming back up in 2022... This is why we are seeing a rise in the idea that self-care is still political today. In our current climate of anxiety and stress, many people are turning to self-care as a way to cope with the challenges of everyday life.

Because -- with social media -- and activists, we are starting to stand up and say -- WE MATTER. 

Self care has always been about more than just pampering oneself. It is about taking control of one’s health and well-being, and making sure that one’s needs are being met in a way that is empowering. For women, especially moms and people of color, this has often meant fighting against a system that doesn’t always have their best interests at heart.

So, I'm Now a Published Author of a Children's Book

Back in high school, I had a short bucket list. I knew I wanted to work in advertising, not live in the town I grew up in (Windsor, CA), and become a published author.

Other than that, I wasn’t really sure what my life would look like.

Now, just five months before I turn 40 years old… I will officially be a published author. Though, how it happened and the fact I co-wrote a children’s book with my two-year-old, I could have NEVER imagined.

The illustrated children’s book: Randall the Blue Spider Goes Surfing is for kids of all ages who love outdoor activities, bugs (spiders especially), ice cream, and friends. It's also for kids who aren't fans of bugs—just watch as Randall wins their hearts and spiders like him suddenly seem less scary. In addition to colorful, fun graphics, the book teaches children how to name their fears and overcome them by offering simple coping mechanisms…and lots of silliness!  

Right now the children’s book is available on Amazon, but I am working with a few bookstores to have the book in physical stores (and planning some fun events this spring/summer as well), but for now, go to Amazon to purchase a copy for kids of all ages. :)

How Randall the Blue Spider Goes Surfing Book Become a Reality

Randall the Blue Spider Goes Surfing was written by Ryeson Bull when he was two years old. The family (me, Rye, and my husband, Jeff) were on a trip to Long Beach to see Ryeson’s grandpa, who was in the hospital due to a cycling accident. Ryeson wasn’t allowed in the hospital due to having cystic fibrosis. So we drove around while Jeff visited his dad. We went to our favorite ocean park in downtown Seal Beach and watched surfers clean their surfboards while playing on the swings. Ryeson wanted to know all about what they were doing — lil dude has ALWAYS been a curious one — so I told him.

After driving back to the hospital from the park, Ryeson started telling stories about how it would be funny to see a spider go surfing, but that it might be nervous if people were watching. Shana started to record her toddler’s musings in the parking lot of the hospital and Randall the Blue Spider Goes Surfing was born.

Three years later, while I was bedridden for a month and a half from anal cancer treatments during the summer of 2020, the book became a reality when I connected with Krista Huber, the owner of East 26th Publishing, a contemporary indie book publisher. After having to say goodbye to a few clients because of my cancer treatment and months of the pandemic, I was ready to pivot my career, and Randall came along at just the right time.

It really goes to show that even during the worse circumstances, you can push through. <3

Brady Lovell from Fat Tabby Studio is the illustrator — and fun fact, he is married to one of my college roommates - Andrew, who is an AMAZING baker.

Another Children’s Book Coming in the Future

I am beyond excited to see where this career pivot will take me. In fact, we have already written the second book in the Randall the Blue Spider & Friends book series. So stay tuned!

My Word of the Year 2020 - None

I was listening to a podcast about why you should set your WORD OF THE YEAR and I realized with all my goal planning + content planning for the next few months, that I didn’t set a word of the year. In fact, I realized I don’t know if I want to for 2020, because as of right now I’m not sure what it’s gonna look like. ⁣⁣We just moved and I have a few opportunities for new gigs that will drastically change my day-to-day life depending on which one I move forward with. Every year, I create my Word of the Year to help motivate me for the upcoming year. It's more than just New Years Resolutions or Goals, it's more of a life mantra that I come up with and print for my home office. 2020 feels different though.

So, I am not creating a word of the year for 2020, at least not right now.

Looking at Past Words of the Year

Looking back, my word of the year for 2019 was #INTENTIONAL, and my word of the year in 2018 was #CREATE (each with their own blog post about my intentions of WHY I chose that specific word). While I started off each year off with a different idea of what that meant, I quickly realized that sometimes it’s really hard to plan out everything - especially in 2019.
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Between Ryeson’s permanent school closing, me saying no to a lot of potential projects, us buying AND selling a house, moving to a new place where we didn’t know anyone, and Jeff getting promoted — 2019 was a year of transition for my family. ⁣
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I definitely learned that I had to be more intentional with my time when I had less of it (so my word of the year was actually perfect). Planning ahead, each month, each week, and each morning — knowing what tasks had to get done for my clients was even more important than if Rye was in school full time. ⁣⁣⁣

Now that he is back in school again, I’m definitely not going to forget how important being intentional is. ⁣⁣

So the moral of the story is to plan ahead, but also remember that life tends to throw you curveballs. And you should just roll with the punches and just enjoy life like every day is #TACOtuesday, or something like that. ⁣⁣
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I am curious to hear from you: 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎? 𝗪𝐡𝐲 𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭??

Back to school and back to work

I have written about Ryeson being out of school since March a few times, but I haven’t really brought it up over the past month too much, other than on Instagram. Mostly because it’s been me and him every day since we moved to the East Bay. 

Every day, with only a few hours for DEDICATED time to work -- around 6am for a half hour while Jeff got up with Rye, during nap time, and sometimes after Rye went to sleep (but, honestly I was usually just to worn out to do any deep-level writing or thinking). Over the past several months I've had to turn down gigs, writing opportunities, and speaking engagements because I was a work-from-home // stay-at-home mom.

My one solace during those long days, suck inside because of 90+ degree heat was taking him to kids care at the gym for up to two hours per day. It was a nice break, and sometimes I would work out, other times I would catch up on emails and writing from the locker room.

But now that he is back in school, I have my days back again… I am learning how to work full time again… And, honestly, I’m learning how to be myself again. 

Back To Work, In A New City

It’s different this time around, now that he’s in school. I live in a place where I don’t know many people in the East Bay, and I am trying to figure out what my next steps are in terms of a career. 

I am finding networking events, like speaking at Tuesdays Together, put on by the Rising Tide Society, or trying to connect with people at my Monday Cardio kickboxing class, or wine events happening at wineries in Alameda, and Berkeley - but it is surreal…. This is only the second time in my life where I lived somewhere where I didn’t know anyone (the first was when I moved to Sacramento, but quickly started school and working at a Starbucks, so I had a built-in social calendar).

I still have my Recipe for Instagram online course, and I still teach classes occasionally on Instagram, or social media marketing for wineries, sweet producers, and no solo entrepreneurs. 

And of course, I still write for Sonoma Magazine, SonomaCounty.com, North Bay Business Journal, and other publications, but I’m looking to expand to more broad topics outside of JUST Sonoma County (though, don’t worry, I will still write for all of these publications, as long as they will have me). 

It’s Okay To Not Know Your Next Steps

Right now is the first time in a long time that I am not sure what my next steps are going to be. And, right now I am trying to learn to be okay with not being in charge of that. I mean, Julia Child didn’t even release her first cookbook until age 49. Which means as of Sep 23 of this year, I will have 11 years to write my first book. Thankfully I have an outline and a few chapters that I wrote 4 years ago somewhere….

The Month of May in My Household

National Mental Health Month is also National Cystic Fibrosis Awareness Month, which is definitely fitting – well, at least for my family.

If you saw my Instagram post a few days ago, then you know that I am attempting to simultaneously work and watch a three-year-old most days during the week. Thankfully I have help from my mom, his former babysitter, and my husband, as he watches Rye when I go to conferences early or have networking events.

View this post on Instagram

A month ago Rye started a new school after his old one closed down because of black mold.... he had to be potty trained, so we gave ourselves two weeks to attempt to do it. . The problem was he was just fine at home, yet when he went to school he was so distracted that he had several accidents throughout the first week and a half. So much so that if he was asked to leave. It was embarrassing to say the least. . Since then I took a step back from a lot of projects that I had in the works to watch him three days out of the week. Thankfully my mom was able to watch them for a few hours twice a week (and @jeffbulltech is able to help out a bit also... but he just got promoted, so it is harder for him). . I know that this is only temporary. And it’s gonna make a great chapter in my upcoming book... But it doesn’t make it easy. . Attempting to watch a very rambunctious three-year-old, while having deadlines for my writing projects, my Instagram class, a conference last week, a speaking gig this Thursday, and my day-to-day work for a few clients means later nights and writing during nap time. . So if you see extra Instagram stories about our trips to the library, it means I’m trying to wear him out for a good nap so I can get some work done. ❤️

A post shared by Shana Bull | Sonoma County 🍷 (@sharayray) on Apr 30, 2019 at 12:25pm PDT

This definitely isn’t the hardest chapter in our lives with Rye. Don’t get me wrong – it’s hard to watch a kid all the time while trying to work. But I look back on the last 3 1/2 years, and there were times that tested Jeff and me even more.

Being new parents to a baby with cystic fibrosis

The beginning was rough. We were trying to figure out how to be new parents in addition to learning how to deal with Rye’s diagnosis of cystic fibrosis.

Cystic Fibrosis is a serious, but thankfully now (mostly) treatable life-threatening disease. It is a progressive disease that impacts Ryeson’s lungs, and pancreas - which essentially meant that we were giving him enzymes every single time he ate, and doing twice a day daily breathing treatments since he was two weeks old.  He was 2 and 1/2 for his first surgery, a feeding tube that he needed for supplemental calorie intake.

For the first two years we spent hours attempting to feed a kid who didn’t want to eat, but needed to eat three times more than other kids just so he wouldn’t LOSE WEIGHT. We would wake up in the middle of the night twice simply to feed him so he would consume extra calories.

And we dedicated even more hours toward practicing breathing treatments on a screaming baby, or wiggly toddler, which broke my heart. In the beginning it took both Jeff and me to hold him and put the mask close to his face so he would be able to breathe in the albuterol and saline mist.

On top of it all, I had postpartum depression.

This is a subject I have not talked about in public before. It’s not that I’m embarrassed; it is something that a lot of women go through after they give birth. I mean, the hormones, the lack of sleep, the lack of your personal identity... (You are no longer JUST your own person. You are a mom, too, and it does take a while to figure out how to be both.) So, it wasn’t that I didn’t talk about it due to embarrassment. I just wanted to wait until after it passed, so I could speak from the other side of it and provide some guidance. And maybe some hope, too.

My postpartum depression would peak during times when I had PMS.

This occurred both before and after my period came back. There was a switch in my head, and it felt like I went from being Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. I was no longer myself, and I could feel that in every part of my body. I would just be so angry. And sad. And helpless. Whereas before, I just felt helpless. My first reaction to the idea that I had postpartum depression was simply, “Of course I do.” I was dealing with a baby with a terminal disease, on top of the regular parenting challenges that accompany having a new baby. I was now in charge of someone who needed extra help, and even with support and love from my family and friends, I needed extra help myself. I talked to my doctor and determined that it wasn’t me...it was my hormones.

So, I went on the antidepressant Celexa. My doctor also prescribed exercise, healthy eating, and sunshine, but I knew I was not in a position where I could take care of myself like that. I didn’t have the mental energy to put into things like food and exercise. And while I still eating healthily in general, I didn’t have the mental capability to plan ahead, and I think that’s one of the biggest obstacles in the way of healthy eating. At least for me… Planning ahead is essential to making sure I eat healthy vs eating a quesadilla for dinner, because it is one of the easiest things to make.

“It gets better.”

As Rye got older, his breathing treatments became much easier, and he started eating a little bit better (at 3 1/2 he still isn’t great, but the feeding tube that we got when he was almost 3 has helped tremendously). I was able to slowly wean off of the antidepressant. And I found that my PMS symptoms were just normal PMS, with cramps, irritability, and a headache. Something I’ve managed pretty much my whole life. Ugh.

But either way, I was back. From there I was able to spend time focusing on myself – Jeff and I created goals to lose weight and feel healthier. And it definitely worked. There is definitely something to the whole concept of eating healthy, whole foods and exercising every day.  

Eventually Rye was able to go to school, and I was able to work normal days for 8+ months.

Fast forward to this past February, in which Rye was sick constantly, then his school closed down because of black mold, which led us on the expedition of searching for a new school, followed by him being asked to leave because he wasn’t fully potty trained, and now I find myself as the main caregiver each week.

My “now”

This is my current chapter in life, and I am doing what Sheryl Sandberg suggests in her book: I am leaning into my new life right now. But instead of pursuing career ambitions, I am taking on fewer clients, spending more quality time with Rye, and focusing on myself. I make sure to tire him out so he can sleep really well, which allows me to spend an hour and a half in the middle of each day writing.

I understand that this can happen because I have a few privileges such as being a white, middle class, bay area woman with family nearby, great health care and an amazing supportive partner. I feel like I need to say this, because my experience would be vastly different if any one of these things were not true.

As for my work self: I am also focused on time management because I have a lot less time to devote to my work then I did before. I write down all of my tasks so I can go down the list and check them off, versus not being sure what to do and wasting the time Ryeson spends sleeping by looking at social media.

So this May, I am focused on my kid, and my well-being, too. Because chasing around an active three-year-old takes a lot of mental energy. And when I don’t feel good, that is even harder to do.

Action item for anyone who just had a baby:

If you even slightly suspect that you are suffering from postpartum depression, talk about it. Talk to your doctor(s). Talk to your significant other. Talk to other friends who have had kids. Please do not suffer alone because you’re unsure about what’s happening or think you are feeling this way because you’re struggling with sleep deprivation. This goes for dads as well.

In addition - to my working mothers, dads who want to do your fair share of taking care of the mental load at home, or my stay at home mom friends. Know that you are NOT ALONE. There are plenty of other moms out there that are ANGRY by how we are being treated in the workplace, or by the government. And the way we can continue helping ourselves, and others is by talking about what we go through.